Anointed by Words...

Each Wednesday afternoon I meet with a small group for a book discussion. It’s lovely, we have great conversation about the current book, our faith, and how we understand God.  I look forward each week to seeing this group and all of the ways they make me think. It’s a joy to read and think and talk about it all together.

We meet in the home of a delightful woman, who cannot often leave her home to come to church. So, we bring church to her…and her wit and thoughts on our book and discussion are always worth hearing.

It’s a small group, this church within a church, and yet last week it was the most eventful church moment (in two parts) I’ve experienced in quite some time. I wasn’t busy ‘being’ the church as pastor, I was ‘receiving’ the church as a fellow worshiper.

Since it was Ash Wednesday on the way out of my office to attend the book study I grabbed my small wooden container filled to the brim with ashes (container bought at the Christian bookstore just that morning) and put them in my purse. No worries—they traveled safely.

Before we began I asked the woman who’s home we were meeting in if she would like to receive ashes after our study. She shared that she was hoping I would bring some and that she almost called me to make sure I would. I invited those present to remain, so we could continue in community together and if any of them were unable to attend our service that night and would like to receive also to let me know by turn.

Our regular study commenced. And then church REALLY began. In all of its simplicity and glory and loveliness, church that brought tears to our eyes and made a connection with the divine that in all its mystery and glory burst forth upon us.

She was sitting, and being a bit frail there was no way I would ask her to get up and come to me…so naturally I went to her. And on my knees I shared a short reading and prayer and anointed her with ashes, and uttered the familiar words cherished and passed down through the centuries, “From dust we came and to dust we shall return.”

Tears flowed. Church was joyful. We understood that we were in the midst of the Holy Spirt, which continually dances through our lives, but that we don’t always recognize.

Then I quietly asked, ‘are there any others’ from behind me a quiet voice said ‘me, please.’

I turned and in the same way, offered ashes to another. Saying once again, words that bring connection to all who have come before and to all who will come after.

And tears flowed.

Our hearts were full.

Then we went along our day, and what stuck out to me was the beauty and privilege of being able to offer these lovely women a ritual that has stood the test of time, that unites so many of us in different places with slightly different theologies, and connects us all to our shared past.

And, I thought I was the one who was offering the anointing that afternoon.

Until I returned to church…

A short time later I came into the church office and overheard the second woman say, with a tremble in her voice, ‘and then she…’ And they both looked up. I did not realize that I was stumbling upon my own anointing.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she said to me, “To think. That MY pastor would humble herself like that and serve me on her knees…”

I’ll confess, it was not humility that brought me to my knees an hour earlier. It was the thought that I should go to them, help them be comfortable, and offer them what I thought they were seeking.

I did not realize that I was going to benefit in a much different way.

To hear a woman, a long time dedicated member of God’s church say to me, “To think MY pastor…”

My pastor. Not THE pastor, or even OUR pastor. But, MY pastor. In that moment she did more for me than I can express. These four plus months of newness in call, of stumbling my way around new people and new traditions, finding my preaching voice, of planning and rushing and learning what it means to be THE pastor, I understood I wasn’t THE pastor. I was HER pastor. And, with those simple words she anointed me.

She anointed me.

More than in my Installation last October I was made Pastor. And I am grateful, and now truly humbled that these people have called me be with them. It is a privilege, and may I NEVER forget that afternoon in a compact church office with a woman who taught me that I am, indeed, HER pastor.

Thanks be to God. 

Feeling Vulnerable...

It’s hard to be vulnerable. And today I am feeling very vulnerable. Two years ago my friend and writing partner, Joy Freeman, and I sent an email that eventually turned into a book about our experiences as grieving mothers. And today, February 1, 2016 is the day that book is released.

I’m struggling with knowing that others will read words I have poured out from my heart onto the page. THIS is the real me. All of my doubts, anger, heartache, all of my stuff available for any and all to see. And I can’t help but ask myself, what if someone says something about my experience that is hurtful. There is already hurt there, what if more is piled on?

And I think of the five other clergywomen who have poured their hearts out onto these pages, and revealed some of the hardest moments of their lives…and they are vulnerable and real in those words too. They are beautiful, gut wrenching stories. And, ultimately, they are stories that share in the hope that is God…but for some of us it takes a while to get there.

And it’s just so hard to be so exposed. To share my wounds with the world and say, ‘this is my heartache.’ But then I remember it’s not so I can be judged, I’ve done that to myself plenty already. It’s so that other women can see that wherever they are in their own story of loss/death, it is simply where they are. There’s not a ‘right’ way or a ‘wrong’ way to grieve, to cope, to create a new life out of the ashes of one’s most beautiful hopes.

We share our stories so that women who have not yet been able to share their stories know they are not alone. That’s our purpose. We ARE NOT ALONE.

My story began a little over thirteen years ago…

“As if, at the age of twenty-six, the deaths of two of my children in their first trimester were not enough heartache for one year, I faced my own morality too. Cancer. Now there is a death word if there ever was one. I wondered more than once, were the previous nine months a foreshadowing of the next year? During the only prenatal visit with my third pregnancy my doctor discovered a lump in my neck. This was a visit that began with hope and expectation of a future, not only my future but also the future of my child. I was convinced before the appointment that this child would live and I was determined everything would be okay. I felt my appointment without significant worry, although there was a sliver of uncertainty where complete confidence had once reigned. Everything seemed fine with this baby, and my doctor gave reassurances that the lump was “probably nothing,” but she wanted me to make appointments with others to “just make sure.”

Even though I want to be, I am not truly in control of what happens within my body. I can try to be by exercising, eating right, and generally caring for my body, but really that just improves the odds a bit. This journey has taught me that very difficult lesson. Within the month I would find out that this baby, too, had died. And just a few short months after that I would be diagnosed with thyroid cancer. For me, loss of children, loss of self, loss of faith, and loss of health are all intertwined. I wanted my body to nurture cells that would form into a baby—a living manifestation of the love my husband and I had for each other. Instead, my womb denied life and my body allowed cancer to flourish. Death prospered where life withered" (33). 

Still A Mother: journeys through perinatal bereavement is available through any bookseller. I encourage you to visit www.judsonpress.com or www.amazon.com if you would like a preview or would like to order the book and share in our journey…