Each week I meet with several other clergy for a bible study
group. It’s usually a fun discussion about what we’re preaching on, what we’re
not preaching on, and what we wished we could preach on the next Sunday.
There’s usually great banter about our differing
perspectives and up until today I thought it was a group where we were all
mutually respected as colleagues. I have learned that I am mistaken about being mutually
respected.
This is the first time, in thirteen years of ministry, that
I have experienced blatant condescension because of my gender.
We were discussing John 21:1-19. The one where Jesus tells
Peter and others to fish from the other side of the boat. And then cooks
breakfast for them. And asks Peter three times if Peter loves him. A text
filled with grace that leads us to beautiful and purposeful questions of
community.
But the conversation did get a little heated about what we
could and could not read into the text and quickly the tone of the conversation
shifted from friendly, but challenging banter, to something different entirely.
It began with these words: “Listen, Sweetheart…”
Wait…What?
It was the verbal equivalent of “I’m going to pat you on the
head little girl and you go sit in the corner while the rest of us real
ministers get to talk.”
To be fair the other male clergy in the room were just as
stunned as I was. And while I was the one who responded verbally, I could see
from the expression on their faces that this was a comment that was not okay. I
did not feel as if I needed one of them to respond for me, or ‘come to my
defense.’ I felt that this was something I needed to address, myself, and
immediately.
And so I responded. But I had to ‘interrupt him.’ Because he
didn’t even seem to realize what he had just said.
“X, you call me sweetheart again and we’re going to have a
real problem.” While looking him square in the eye and pointing my finger for
greater emphasis.
“oh, well…I’m sorry.” As he waved his hand in the air. As if
he were dismissing my very appropriate response to his very inappropriate
comment.
There is one man on this planet who is allowed to call me
sweetheart. And I can guarantee it is not this man.
 |
| Elders of my church laying hands on me during my installation as their new pastor. |
Part of why I’m frustrated is that this is a group of
ministers from liberal mainline denominations. So, I realize I made some
assumptions about how women clergy were to be looked upon and treated. As in,
treated with respect in conversation and looked upon as equals. This man’s own
denomination has ordained women clergy for DECADES.
Clearly there is still work to be done. And lessons to be
learned.
One of which is for me. And perhaps it’s past time.
When I went to church as a child or youth (which wasn’t
often until my late teens) it was always a conservative church, although varied
in denominations. Women were not pastors or spiritual leaders in the church.
Unless, of course, it was children’s ministry. Because that’s a woman’s
‘sphere.’
(anyway…)
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I actually knew of women
who were ordained and in full-time ministry. As a young woman discovering a
call to ministry it was like a door opening up and sunlight bursting forth.
It IS allowed! I CAN do it!
I am embarrassed to admit that I thought in my liberal
corner of the church the work had been completed. Many courageous, intelligent,
and passionate women have come before me in ministry. It is in their footsteps
I follow and it is upon their shoulders I stand. I have never forgotten to be
grateful for and to those women for having the courage to answer their call so
that I could find it possible to answer mine. I have also been grateful for the
male clergy who have supported their female counterparts and pushed the church
toward a more equitable and just expression of ministry.
But I was doing them a disservice. Because I haven’t
experienced direct condescension like this before this moment, I thought the
fight was over.
I see now that some will always be comfortable harboring and
feeding beliefs that a woman is not quite as good as a man in my profession. (And,
of course, this unfortunately continues to be applicable in many professions.)
It was the unexpectedness of this comment that bothers me. I
thought we were ‘us’ not ‘me’ and ‘other.’ It’s always hard to be the other. I
thought we were in the same community. Turns out, that’s not mutually
understood. (There’s a sermon in that, for all sorts of reasons…)
And, part of the dilemma for me in that moment is how to
respond. Not, if I should respond, but how. Can I find it in me to respond with
courage and dignity? Can it be a teaching moment for both myself and this
47-year veteran of ministry. One in which expands our community and
understanding of ministry. One filled with grace? (Because, you know, the
bible, Jesus, grace…)
Or should I respond with my first instinct of things, words
that are as equally inappropriate?
It was a close call, let me tell you. I’m sure that’s God
there, because it’s certainly not what I almost said.
I feel that I found some middle ground. I was firm, I let it
be known that was an inappropriate comment. And then after a short pause,
continued with my thoughts about the text. I did not allow that moment to
control my ability to contribute thoughtfully to the surrounding conversation.
I will not be intimidated by nor internalize another’s thoughtless
disrespect because of my gender. It is my strength. It is my identity. I am a
woman. I am an ordained pastor. I am a wife and a mother. All of these, plus
much more, contribute to who I am and how I see myself in the world. 
