No, I Am Not Your Sweetheart

Each week I meet with several other clergy for a bible study group. It’s usually a fun discussion about what we’re preaching on, what we’re not preaching on, and what we wished we could preach on the next Sunday.

There’s usually great banter about our differing perspectives and up until today I thought it was a group where we were all mutually respected as colleagues. I have learned that I am mistaken about being mutually respected.

This is the first time, in thirteen years of ministry, that I have experienced blatant condescension because of my gender.

We were discussing John 21:1-19. The one where Jesus tells Peter and others to fish from the other side of the boat. And then cooks breakfast for them. And asks Peter three times if Peter loves him. A text filled with grace that leads us to beautiful and purposeful questions of community.

But the conversation did get a little heated about what we could and could not read into the text and quickly the tone of the conversation shifted from friendly, but challenging banter, to something different entirely.

It began with these words: “Listen, Sweetheart…”

Wait…What?

It was the verbal equivalent of “I’m going to pat you on the head little girl and you go sit in the corner while the rest of us real ministers get to talk.”

To be fair the other male clergy in the room were just as stunned as I was. And while I was the one who responded verbally, I could see from the expression on their faces that this was a comment that was not okay. I did not feel as if I needed one of them to respond for me, or ‘come to my defense.’ I felt that this was something I needed to address, myself, and immediately.

And so I responded. But I had to ‘interrupt him.’ Because he didn’t even seem to realize what he had just said.

“X, you call me sweetheart again and we’re going to have a real problem.” While looking him square in the eye and pointing my finger for greater emphasis.

“oh, well…I’m sorry.” As he waved his hand in the air. As if he were dismissing my very appropriate response to his very inappropriate comment.

There is one man on this planet who is allowed to call me sweetheart. And I can guarantee it is not this man.

Elders of my church laying hands on me
during my installation as their new pastor. 

Part of why I’m frustrated is that this is a group of ministers from liberal mainline denominations. So, I realize I made some assumptions about how women clergy were to be looked upon and treated. As in, treated with respect in conversation and looked upon as equals. This man’s own denomination has ordained women clergy for DECADES.

Clearly there is still work to be done. And lessons to be learned.

One of which is for me. And perhaps it’s past time.

When I went to church as a child or youth (which wasn’t often until my late teens) it was always a conservative church, although varied in denominations. Women were not pastors or spiritual leaders in the church. Unless, of course, it was children’s ministry. Because that’s a woman’s ‘sphere.’

(anyway…)

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I actually knew of women who were ordained and in full-time ministry. As a young woman discovering a call to ministry it was like a door opening up and sunlight bursting forth.

It IS allowed! I CAN do it!

I am embarrassed to admit that I thought in my liberal corner of the church the work had been completed. Many courageous, intelligent, and passionate women have come before me in ministry. It is in their footsteps I follow and it is upon their shoulders I stand. I have never forgotten to be grateful for and to those women for having the courage to answer their call so that I could find it possible to answer mine. I have also been grateful for the male clergy who have supported their female counterparts and pushed the church toward a more equitable and just expression of ministry.

But I was doing them a disservice. Because I haven’t experienced direct condescension like this before this moment, I thought the fight was over.

I see now that some will always be comfortable harboring and feeding beliefs that a woman is not quite as good as a man in my profession. (And, of course, this unfortunately continues to be applicable in many professions.)

It was the unexpectedness of this comment that bothers me. I thought we were ‘us’ not ‘me’ and ‘other.’ It’s always hard to be the other. I thought we were in the same community. Turns out, that’s not mutually understood. (There’s a sermon in that, for all sorts of reasons…)

And, part of the dilemma for me in that moment is how to respond. Not, if I should respond, but how. Can I find it in me to respond with courage and dignity? Can it be a teaching moment for both myself and this 47-year veteran of ministry. One in which expands our community and understanding of ministry. One filled with grace? (Because, you know, the bible, Jesus, grace…)

Or should I respond with my first instinct of things, words that are as equally inappropriate?

It was a close call, let me tell you. I’m sure that’s God there, because it’s certainly not what I almost said.

I feel that I found some middle ground. I was firm, I let it be known that was an inappropriate comment. And then after a short pause, continued with my thoughts about the text. I did not allow that moment to control my ability to contribute thoughtfully to the surrounding conversation.

I will not be intimidated by nor internalize another’s thoughtless disrespect because of my gender. It is my strength. It is my identity. I am a woman. I am an ordained pastor. I am a wife and a mother. All of these, plus much more, contribute to who I am and how I see myself in the world.